Failure to launch

I wasn't going to continue this blog after last night's experience.  But I'm hoping that some day Kathleen and I can look back on this entry and laugh.  And I find that I need to get the words out of my head so that maybe I can move on.

After waiting for so long for the 23rd to come, the big night finally arrived.  I was excited, aroused, and sexually charged beyond belief.  But when the four of us stripped off our clothes and broke off into pairs, I wasn't able to get an erection.  At all.  Not even close.

I cannot explain why it happened (though I do have about 1,001 theories.)  I have obsessed over it since it happened, and I cannot stop thinking about it.  I have even questioned whether I am cut out for the lifestyle.
And it is breaking my heart.

Since we embarked on this journey together, Kathleen and I have had SO much fun, shopping for "play partners" online, having dinner and drinks with potential "fuck-buddies", going to clubs and dancing, meeting new people, buying and wearing sexy clothing, taking sexy photos, and -- most of all -- fantasizing and talking about the adventures that lie ahead of us.  We have assembled a mental "bucket list" of all the crazy, erotic things we would love to do before we're too old and gray.  But because my dick refuses to cooperate, all of that fun, and all of those fantasies, are now in jeopardy.

Jay and Kate couldn't have been any nicer, or more empathetic, or more understanding of my situation.  And Kathleen had a tremendous time with Jay, sucking, fucking and fondling each other in their bed while Kate and I lay awkwardly in our bed for over an hour, trying to breathe some life into my limp member.  I have never endured a more embarrassing incident in my life, and I have no desire whatsoever to relive that moment.  I can't even imagine facing Jay and Kate again, never mind putting myself into a situation where I would be expected to perform in front of the same couple.  If I were to fail again in that situation, my ego would be permanently damaged (if it hasn't been already.)

I have been on the precipice of an emotional breakdown since that incident, replaying the events of the evening as they happened, picking apart each and every detail in order to solve the mystery of what went wrong.  I have an endless list of theories and excuses, but in the end, I have no rational explanation.
My first thought is that perhaps there is something physically wrong with me.  (Although I have had no trouble at all achieving an erection with Kathleen alone.)  So I've made an appointment with my doctor, and will ask him for a prescription for Cialis.  I already have a stash of Cialis pills from our vacation to Mexico, but I am now questioning whether those pills are legit.  As I was so excited about that night, I didn't think I would need any, but I took a full Cialis pill before we arrived at our hotel, just in case.  The last time I took a full Cialis pill, I got a full erection by simply thinking of sex.  But even that didn't work.

On a more positive note, Kathleen had a tremendous time with Jay, and I enjoyed watching her.  She said that when they were slow-dancing in the club, she was so hot, she was ready to go right then and there.  And later in the room, she was so locked in with him, she didn't even realize anyone else was in the room.  I have to admit, in all honesty, that this bothered me a bit.  I have no problem whatsoever with Kathleen enjoying herself sexually -- in fact, I encourage it.  But there was something about their connection that bothered me.

In our past swapping experiences, it was all about fun and sex.  This time, I felt it was getting a little too serious on the other side of the room.  There was too much kissing, we were too far apart to touch each other, and Kathleen didn't even glance at me.  Kathleen and I have talked about this, and she explained that there was no emotional connection between her and Jay whatsoever.  She was simply wrapped up in the moment, enjoying his company on a pure sexual level.  And she didn't want to look at me, because she thought it would only make my problem worse.  I completely accept her explanation 100%, and I have no doubt whatsoever that she is telling the truth.  But a tiny red light still blinks somewhere within the depths of my brain, warning me that something is not right.

Kathleen is a VERY easy woman to fall in love with.  She is absolutely beautiful, and has such a warm, caring, inviting personality, you'd be a fool not to love her.  Toss in the fact that she has a great body and is tremendously talented, giving and passionate in bed, and it becomes clear that she is the total package.  I hit the lottery when she agreed to spend the rest of her life with me.  So I cannot help but question: why on earth am I "loaning her out" to other men?

We entered into this lifestyle with the agreement that as long as we were doing this strictly for fun, excitement and great sex, and as long as we always came back to each other in the end, then we would continue down this path with no regrets and no hurt feelings.  I'm still on board with that idea, and I still want to find a way to make it work.

It would devastate me to end this experiment and return to our "vanilla" lifestyle. This hobby of ours has re-energized our marriage in ways that I cannot explain, and has brought us closer than we have ever been before.  If I can just convince my dick to relax a little and have some fun, I can only imagine the exciting times that lie ahead for us.  But maybe my dick is telling me something my brain is too stupid to realize.